Same Auld Lang Syne

December 31, 2013

Ringing out the old and in the new.
Changes and changes and changes.
We're settled comfortably into our place with mom, and things seem to be working out pretty well - I have a new job that I like. Kevin unfortunately is still on the hunt so to speak. Fortunately, I make enough for us to get by - barely. Still, I have hope -even if it's somewhat smothered in a savory gravy of fear.

It's always that roller-coaster drop feeling when I look at the amount on the check then try to mentally calculate whats due this week - a feeling a hate, by the way - seriously I never ride them.

One of the things people always do at this time of year is to come up with a resolution for the new year:

• "I'm gonna go to the gym four times a week!" (yeah, for the first week)
• "I'm gonna quit smoking!" (until the first stressful situation hits you in the face like a wet towel - then it's to the convenience store!)
• "I'm gonna make better relationship choices!" (no you aren't - you have unresolved mommy/daddy issues, make your first relationship change by booking an appointment with a therapist - please.)
• "I'm gonna be better about blogging!" (This is mine - so probably not)

I guess we all start off the year with good intentions - and somehow life just steps in an roflstomps our plans. One of my favorite quotes is "Man plans, God laughs."
We're really just an insignificant species on a nondescript rock, hurtling through cold, silent, darkness - but because we're blessed with higher thought, we tend to make more of it than there actually is - God Laughs.
Upon edit, this seems so harsh - I don't really feel that we're that bad - but it's hard sometimes to see the beauty in the minuscule. I resolve to be better about it.

So - to everyone who is making a resolution for the new year, I wish you luck (Hell, I wish ME luck), and I hope that you're able to follow through.
Best to all  and Happy New Year.

Lie to Me ( 'cause I just LOVE it )

So it's been a long time since I've posted, and there's been a lot of change in my life since then.
My eldest son has returned to Poland, engaged to his lovely girlfriend. My younger son has moved out and lives with friends in Biddeford. My mothers health has taken a definitely downward course, although not on deaths door, she's been within shouting distance, and requires someone to be with her - therefore, we've moved back in to her place - much better this time. Less crowded, more appreciated.
Lastly, we made the decision to leave our jobs at O********.(edit to omit name)

The place we'd hoped would be our last employment, something we felt was our calling - not just a job, but a career - a place we both valued and loved - has become just another fucking job.
The powers that be have proven to us we are not valued, or appreciated - we're just peons who work there - our dedication and devotion have been ignored. The paltry compensation they offered us so that we would return in the spring is insulting, and ridiculous for the amount of work they wanted (in case you're thinking I'm being petty - here's the breakdown: 12.00 hr for 10 hrs a week for me. I usually make 15.00 hr - 10.00 that's TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR for Kevin - which is the same shitty wage they paid him all summer - no raise - oh yeah, and they never paid him any overtime either all summer -  for 20 hours a week).
They claim ignorance of verbal agreements - claim they don't know what Scott's agreements with us were, then changed the rules - ie - my housing was never included with my salary - which is BULLSHIT - Richard himself told me it was - but when I bring it up - no one knows what I could possibly mean - so, yeah, now they lie, too.
They never paid Kevin his summer wage - apparently they didn't have enough money in the budget - but they had money to hire a landscaper, and a fucking ARBORIST.... I'll bet I can venture a guess as to where Kevin's money went. Oh yes, and they took money out of HIS pay every week for housing that was SUPPOSED TO BE INCLUDED IN OUR SALARIES....yeah....I'm pissed very, very pissed.

I'm angry. I'm offended. But mostly, I'm hurt.

I really wanted this to work - I loved my job - I've worked harder and devoted more to this position than I have to any other job I've ever had - except motherhood.
I hope they're able to find people who will love that place the way we did - Good Luck O******** - (edited to omit name) because with the leadership you have now, you're going to need it.

The light at the end of your tunnel....

Four days in, and things are going well - Next week might be a bit more difficult, but to be honest, I can't complain. I've been idle for 3 months, so just moving and doing is a treat for me at this point.

Having 117 kids to cook for, for an entire week, 3 meals a day is challenging, and anything can (and usually does) go wrong from time to time.

I have to say, I'm SO jazzed to have them here. I know I'll be singing a different story come June, but for now - bring it, I'm ready.

And in that light, what better way to start my day than some awesomely loud Metallica?

I love this song, and it needs to be listened to at ear-bleeding volume

Enjoy.

Pressure

We're in the three week push to open.
By March 17th we've got to have this place up and running, and the list of things to be done is ominous.

On my end, I'm ready - we've got weekend groups before the major opening, so anything that I had to do is already done. I'm feeling pretty confident in my help - they're both capable and efficient, something they proved to me last weekend, so no worries there.

 I still have some inventory to do and paperwork (which is pretty involved!). The bulk of the work falls on the two Kevin's. Holt still needs to be finished, Mitchell still needs to be cleaned and finished, Batch has to be shoveled out and opened up, Judson needs to be opened up lol...the list just keeps getting bigger!!!

It's looking like there's going to be some serious snow still on the ground when the enviro-teachers come, and that'll be fun (not) imagine 100+ kids tromping mud through the RA (ugh), the access road has been blocked off because it's also mud pit at this point, and probably will be until April or May - Deliveries aren't going to be happy about that, but they're going to have to deal with it.
So, in light of all of this, I've got to get my butt in gear and get to work.

Peace

"Still the one..."

02/14/13

Happy Valentines Day!

Twenty-two years ago, a very sweet, handsome young man gave me a small diamond and asked me again, to marry him. It was a tiny rock, but to me, it didn't matter, it could have been a ring fashioned out of tinfoil as far as I was concerned. Ostentatious wealth meant nothing to me then and certainly doesn't now.  As always it was the sentiment that meant the most.

He had already romantically proposed (on bended knee, in front of a fireplace, I should add) on Groundhogs Day.  I accepted, and both of us, drunk on love (among other things), and armed with the fearlessness of youth embarked on our epic journey.

We had no way of knowing, and probably wouldn't have cared, where that journey would take us, and what we would conquer together. Our motto as always was keep moving, stick together, and take care of each other. 

We'd both had other relationships, been 'in love', but nothing came close to the bond we had then, have now and continue to forge as we move into the next phase of our lives together.

Kevin, you're my closest confidant, my loving husband, and my best friend. And even though I know you'll probably never read this, I want you to know, I love you more now than I did then, and I'll continue to love you until I draw my last breath. 

Happy Valentine's Day.

"It's been such a long time..."

02/12/13

Cleaning up this snowy mess has been a huge, exhausting, pain the butt. It's amazing that 12 hours of snow results in 4-5 days of clean up!

Both the Kevin's are dragged out, sore, and just plain tired. My back is pulled up tight from shoveling off the loading dock yesterday, and I didn't have to shovel. I just figured they had enough to do, and I'd take care of my own stuff to give them a little break.

Of course, it snowed and rained some more yesterday, so that makes what was just miserable snow into a treacherous, wet, ice rink everywhere they've already cleared.
I'm betting I fall on my ass at least once today.

So, looking at my calendar, I see clear sailing until the 22nd, however, I was informed yesterday that potentially, I've got a group this weekend.
No big deal, but it'd just be nice to know what to expect.

I'm actually looking forward to having a group here, even a small one since I've been out of the kitchen (cookingwise) since November.
What I'm not looking forward to is getting back into shape to be on my feet for hours! I've really let myself go this winter, gained something close to 20 pounds and I feel every beer and every potato chip (with dip) I've consumed over the holidays laughing with glee.

Well, enough of that particular flavor of bullshit, I'm all done with the gratuitous snacking. Time to get back to my 'fighting weight'.

Anyway, whether it's a group this weekend or next, I've got to get myself mentally and physically ready - to produce the highest quality and best looking food for these people, which makes all of us look good!

More tomorrow -
Peace

Hazy Shade of Winter...

2/10/13

So yeah we made it through the blizzard of 2013 - I guess they're calling it "Nemo" not sure when they started naming winter storms, but whatever.
It's funny with this storm, I didn't picture the cute little clown fish - I pictured the bad ass Jules Verne character who captained the Nautilus. Seemed more fitting somehow.

Put Angus out to do his 'thing' yesterday morning before any shoveling or snow-blowing, and it was pretty funny watching him leap from the top step into 3 feet of drifted snow and totally disappearing.
That dog loves the snow.

Unfortunately, while the snow is beautiful, the wind that accompanied it is bitterly cold. I was out for a little while yesterday taking a few pictures, and my hands (despite mittens) were cold to the point of pain very quickly.
Right now it's 13 degrees, and we've got light wind, so a great day to take the girlie sledding - I know there are plenty of high snowbanks to go down!
So that's all for now, I'll probably add a few pictures later.
Peace

Long Time Coming...

It's funny how things can be going along perfectly well, and then all of a sudden - boom - the bottom completely falls out, and you're left standing/laying in the smoldering heap of what was your life; looking around and saying, "What the fuck just happened?"

What happened was the perfect storm of sickness, job loss, economic downturn, and homelessness.

The first direct hit was my husband breaking his neck.
It wasn't a paralyzing break, but it was bad enough to require surgery. Fortunately it happened at work.
Unfortunately, it happened at work - because you see, there's nothing Corporate America hates more than actually compensating someone for getting hurt while earning money for Corporate America (The NERVE!)

They were nothing but helpful and supportive during his recovery - then amazingly, they had no job for him when he came back - imagine that!

The second direct hit was losing my job due to "budget cuts". My position was eliminated and I was left collecting unemployment - just like my husband.

Now, we're children of the 80's - we've NEVER had a problem finding work. You lose a job (or get fired for stupidity) , you go out and get another job - no problem.
As a matter of fact, neither of us had been out of work (except for my stay at home mom years) for any length of time since we got married.
So, not being able to find work was new to both of us.
Then, the final blow - the kill shot to my homestead on the hill -
The guy who owned the property lost it - and we lost our home.

I can't describe the horror of being homeless at 43 years old (with 3 kids and 2 dogs), the utter devastation of moving in with parents, when you've lived independently for 20+ years, and the humiliation of being financially dependent on that parent and the state.
SIDE RANT:
Being financially dependent on the state is probably the worst. They are intrusive, insensitive and just embarrassing to deal with. And while I'm grateful for the assistance, I'm just horrified at what lengths I've had to go to to get that assistance.
SIDE RANT OVER
 But it wasn't just our home we lost.

We lost EVERYTHING. The entire contents of my four bedroom house was condensed down into a 10X10 foot space in my mother in laws basement. We literally threw away and gave away and generally got rid of everything we couldn't load into the truck.
My furniture, gardening items, my chickens, beds, living room furniture, my dining room table - the things that actually MAKE a home - everything gone.
We have clothes, pictures, my beloved books -a few things I refused to part with, but that's it.
We also lost people we thought were our friends - and in retrospect, that's a good thing.
The people who were happy to come over and party with us, to drink our beer and eat our food, and take our vegetables and eggs, were nowhere to be found when we were literally in the street.
But worst of all, we lost our confidence.

We moved into a 2 bedroom condo, where my mother lived - six of us, plus two dogs. In two bedrooms.
To say it sucked would be a gross understatement.
We swore it would only be temporary - but nine months later, we were still there, still penniless, and still jobless.

Damn this is a sad story!

So where are we now?
Well, I like to keep that under wraps.
There are too many people who I prefer didn't know where I am, or where we are to share that bit of information. Suffice it to say we're stable. We're working. We have a home, and we're rebuilding our lives and our confidence one brick at a time.
The kids are fine - although, they're hardly kids anymore - but that's okay. They've seen what adversity looks like, and they've seen what it takes to overcome it. They see it daily, and I hope it makes them stronger.

So what's next?
Well, where we are allows me to have a little garden, it's rural enough that I can walk in the woods, or I can walk on the beach - I find it cathartic. We're healing. We're making new friends - better friends.
I'll be posting again, a friend of mine thought it would be a good idea, and he hasn't steered me wrong yet! So thank you for that PJ.

Oh yeah one last thing, we may be getting settled, but all of my shit is still in my mother in laws basement.